The Best Christmas Jokes Ever

No Christmas dinner would be complete without the crackers being pulled, miniature sewing kits flying across the room and the telling of terrible Christmas jokes.

Here are some dooseys: 

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?


What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?


Knock, knock

Who's there?


Arthur who?

Arthur any mince pies left?

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Fang Syne

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?

Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?


Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!

Did Rudolph go to school?

No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?


What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

25. There’s "no EL"!

What carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross Mouse Cards!

What athlete is warmest in winter?

A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?


What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?

Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?

They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?

Jingle Smells!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?


Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?

Noël Coward!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?

He has Santa claws!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer!

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?

The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker!

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

Because he has private elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered!

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