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The Best Christmas Jokes Ever
No Christmas dinner would be complete without the crackers being pulled, miniature sewing kits flying across the room and the telling of terrible Christmas jokes.
Here are some dooseys:
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
Twerky!
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
25. There’s "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep loosing their needles!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noël Coward!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
He has Santa claws!
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!
What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!
Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!
12 Pubs Of Christmas - Dublin - Baggot Street
City: Dublin
Area: Baggot Street
If you've ever gone for a few pints after an Irish international, it more than likely involved one or two on Baggot Street. And after the referee's final whistle, sure there's no better place to whet your own than in the bars and pubs dotted along this historic Dublin route.
There's no hard and fast rules when it comes to the 12 Pubs Of Christmas but here is our suggested itinerary.
- The Den
- William Searsons
- The Waterloo
- The Wellington
- Bar 51 or Smyths
- Larry Murphys
- Toners
- Donehy & Nesbitt
- Foleys
- O'Donoghues
- The Shelbourne
- The Dawson Lounge or Peruke & Periwig
How To Make The Perfect Egg Nog
Eggnog is Christmas in a glass! Served chilled, or warm, this silky smooth whiskey drink will heat you up on a cold winters evening and its Christmasy cinnamon taste will leave you feeling very merry indeed. Or is that the alcohol?
Directions
Eggnog served chilled:
Beat the egg yolks in a bowl until they lighten in colour. Gradually add the cup of sugar and continue to beat until it is dissolved. Add the remaining ingredients and stir the mixture until all the ingredients combine.
Beat the egg whites in a mixer into soft peaks. While mixing gradually add 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Whisk the egg whites into the mixture and put in the fridge to chill for 30 mins.
Serve with two cinnamon sticks and a sprinkle of nutmeg as shown in the image above.
Enjoy!
Eggnog served warm:
Beat the egg yolks until they lighten in colour. Gradually add the cup of sugar and continue to beat until it is dissolved, and set aside.
Combine the milk, heavy cream and nutmeg and bring just to a boil, stirring occasionally on a high heat sauce pan. Remove from the heat and gradually stir the hot mixture into the egg and sugar mixture which was set aside earlier. Then return everything to the pot and cook until the mixture reaches 70 degrees Celsius. Remove from the heat and stir in the whiskey, then pour into a mixing bowl, and set in the refrigerator for 30 mins.
Beat the egg whites to soft peaks in a mixing bowl. Gradually add the 1 tbs of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Whisk the egg whites into the chilled mixture. Serve with two cinnamon sticks and a sprinkle of nutmeg as shown in the image above.
Enjoy!
Ingredients
- 4 egg yolks
- 1/3 cup sugar, plus 1 tbs
- 1 cup double cream
- 1 pint full fat milk
- 1 teaspoon grated nutmeg (powder can substitute)
- 10cl whickey
- 4 egg whites*
- 4 cinnamon sticks for decoration
* Ensure the eggs have not been cracked and have been refrigerated prior to use. We suggest caution when using raw eggs.
How To Make The Perfect Mulled Wine
There's nothing that quite matches a nice warm glass of mulled wine on a chilly winters eve, and making the perfect mulled wine is super quick and easy.
Directions
Get yourself a large pot and pour in all your ingredients. Heat for 20 minutes on a low to medium temperature, and avoid boiling. When the wine begins to steam and all the sugar has dissolved it is ready to serve. Ladle your yummy mulled wine into glasses but leave the seasoning in the pot, and enjoy!
*Feel free to cut honey/sugar down to taste.
Ingredients
- Serves 4-6 people
- One bottle (75 cL) of red wine
- One peeled and sliced orange (keep the peel for zest)
- 1/4 cup of brandy
- 9 cloves
- 5 table spoons of honey or caster sugar*
- 3 cinnamon sticks
- 2 tsp ground ginger
- 1 vanilla pod halved or 1 tsp vanilla essence
Hey guy, what's with your shirt?
If anyone comes up to you on the street and asks about your new Christmas shirt–remember–there's always the option to explain it in song...
♬ It's nuts roasting by an open fire,
Sweat drops, dripping from your nose.
Thermostat, can't go any higher,
Yet we’re dressed up like Eskimos. ♬
If you've ever been on a pub-crawl in a Christmas Jumper, this pretty much sums up the experience. The fire's going, the drink's flowing and people are packed in tighter than a fat guy in jorts. And what are you wearing for the evening? A big woolly jumper. Good choice.
The Christmas jumper phase has been fun for the last while, but let's be honest, it's very impractical. All it takes is 15 minutes and you’ve transformed your festive pullovers into a damp smelly sweat shirts! What then? Take it off and you've thrown your money away, keep it on much longer your armpits will need their own lifeguard.
That's why you need a Christmas Shirt.
Simples!
